I am a writer. Not a speaker. And I'll stand by that statement until my last breath. I've always been better at communicating via writing versus communicating on the spot. It's a mixture of being able to see my words, having time to properly form them, and ultimately being able to edit as needed. With speaking, none of those are possible. (The second may be possible, but not without some socially awkwardness).
And as a result, I often find myself holding onto a statement that I wish I would have mentioned in a conversation, a phrase that would have better replaced another, or a thought I wish I would have said. It's not that I regret my statements per say; it's that I know the English language. And I know there are eloquent, thought-provoking, and florid ways to say things. Moreover, I know there are ideas that - on the spot - they just don't come to mind.
Maybe if we had a pause button. Although, the world would definitely overuse that, and who knows what that would do to the time continuum.
In the end, I accept it. It's who I am. Everyone has their strengths, their weaknesses, and the things we pretend we're good at (spelling for me, but let's face it - Google is my friend).
So, I've stumbled upon this website that posts the things people "would have said". And it's touching. There are notes to teachers, parents, anonymous, and simply groups of people. Because writing is cathartic, is it not? Writing does something that no other action can do. Writing can take thoughts and emotions that we never knew were there and release them. Just like that. It's quite amazing, and I think we should all take part in this as a society. Really, our world would be a better place. For now, I'll do mine, and it'll have to suffice.
(Sidenote: My mom died when I was seven of Breast Cancer.)
Dear Mom,
I've always thought words were powerful, even transformative. I still do. But now, I'm at a loss.
I guess it's because there are so many things to say that I can't just choose. But I will say this - I miss you. And also - I'm happy. I know those two don't seem like they go together, but they do. I do miss you. So much that the strongest words in the English language don't capture what lies within my soul about losing you, about growing up without you, and about having to face the rest of my life without you. I miss your voice, your laugh, the fact that I could say 'Mom' without a part of my heart dying a little bit more. And I miss having a family that was whole. And beautiful. And amazing.
But also - I am happy. I'm a strong believer in a Spanish statement that goes, "Que sera, sera". It translates to 'what will be, will be'. And whether or not it was written this way, I take it as 'what will be, will be, and everything that is, is a result of what was'. Whether or not the world works this way, it helps me to think that I didn't go through all that for nothing. It helps me to think that you died, and I learned how to be happy. And I learned how to love my brothers more than anything in the world, to appreciate the incredible kindness and love that lives within my father, to spend every possible moment with the beautiful blonde boys that are my nephews, to learn from my students every day, to soak up knowledge in my never-ending education, and to see you in myself every single day. It's helped me to appreciate life, and to know that it has an end. It may have an end before we want it to. When I know how happy you and Dad were, I know that you had a wonderful life. You died happy. And because of that, I will, too.
With so much love,
Your only daughter, Natalie
